I always believed in one god. My entire life during hardship I
asked god for help even as a child. I remember crying on my knees in
the kitchen, screaming and crying all around me. I was praying for god
to make it stop. Religion on the other hand never did make sense. The
older I got the less it really made sense to me. People thinking they
were the negotiator between you and god. I felt the same about Jesus
peace be upon him. How does it work that this man would save us all
from our sins? Why do we have the right to sin just because of him? I
refused the bible in all of its versions. Believing something
translated and rewritten so many times could not to be the real words
of god. Around the age of fifteen I had given up on the idea of
finding god.
    Growing up my family was the average American family. Everyone I
knew had similar problems growing up. My dad was a hardworking blue
collar alcoholic. As time progressed his condition worsened so did his
perversion. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, and fear made an imprint on
my childhood that would reflect the rest of my life. He passed away
when I was in the sixth grade. My parents had divorced by then. I was
the youngest of eight children. My mother would go to work to support
us and I was home alone a lot.
    Here I was one of those kids who pull from society, who scare
people when they walk into a room. I began wearing black clothing and
the dark makeup. I listened to the gothic music and fantasized about
death. Death seemed to be less of fear and more of solution to this
growing problem. I felt alone all the time, even around friends. I tried
to fill the gap with cigarettes, then alcohol, sex, drugs and then
anything that would take me from my own thoughts. I tried to kill
myself at least fifteen times. No matter what I tried this pain inside
of me never seemed to subside.
     I was in college when I became pregnant with my son, I feared for
my son's health and could not dream of giving him away. I worked
endlessly to provide for my son. Squeezing all the pain and anger into
my heart I changed my life some. By this time I trusted no one. Three
years later, I started to date again. I got engaged. I truly wanted to
have the something more. As with all of my past experiences my world
came crashing down.  I was 25 and pregnant with my daughter and ended
the relationship with my fiancÚ after he repeatedly cheated and
physically hurt me. I had no idea what was next.
    During this time I was working for a Pakistani guy who was Muslim.
I never watched the news or even cared really what was going on. Being
Muslim to me was no different than any other religion. As time moved
on I became friends with several Muslim men. I began to notice
something dramatically different. They had these unquestionable
morals. A devotion to god in a way that required them to pray five
times a day. Let alone the fact that they did not drink or do drugs.
For my generation this was old school morals, maybe your grandparent's
might have followed.
     When my daughter was born, you can't imagine my surprise when one
of these guys came in and brought gifts. I was shocked stupid he held
her and spoke to her. I had never seen men behave this way over a
baby. The kindness only increased with time over the next four months.
I can't express the love that was shown to us. Slowly my interest in
their religion grew. I was curious as to what kind of religion could
instill these kinds of values into people.
     I was sharing a home with seven people when one night I decided
to borrow my roommate's computer. I was too afraid to offend my
friends by asking them questions so I turned to the internet. The
first site I opened was I was dumb
founded. It was if a black cloth had been lifted from my body and I
swear to you that I had never felt so close to Allah. Within
twenty-four hours, I took my Shahadah. To this day the majority of my
time is spent on research. For the first time in my life something had
stopped the anger, and the pain. I truly felt the love and fear of
Allah. Allah had replaced the pain inside of me with his light, and
faith in him.  Since my conversion, Allah has truly blessed me. Allah
gave me the strength to quite smoking, drinking and have not used
drugs in almost two years. I am married to a wonderful Muslim man. He
has taken my children and made them ours. I have something that I
always wanted a family. Al humd Allah.

I have also created a website. You can find mine and others stories
available on there.
The Site is to help Converts like myself. Here is the link.
If you want to submit your story for publishing please e-mail it to

Alaykim Salaam
Your Sister